Dreamcatcher

July 18, 2020. The evening before the first 400mH competition of 2020.

One year ago I was on the verge of making my dream come true, only... that is not the truth. One year ago my life certainly looked a lot different than it does right now, and yet, even that is not entirely correct. As I sit on my bed, I notice a dreamcatcher I received as a present during my road trip through the canyons on the west coast of the US. Unfortunately my mind is already too preoccupied to visit my memories from that time, but the dreamcatcher was a forgotten object in my room that seemed insignificant for such a long time and yet I just remembered that I once was a dreamcatcher myself, one year ago today.

One year ago I was laying on top of the sheets of my bed in a small Swedish hotel room, while trying to enjoy the nightly breeze that entered the room via a tiny window right above me. Looking at it now, the room was messy. Maybe that was already my first mistake of many. Usually I felt at ease in the midst of chaos. That was, as long as my thoughts were organised. Personally, I like to convince myself that my mind is my strength, but it just as much could be my weakness. I'm born a strategist, but sometimes I overthink and forget life isn't a game of risk.When my mind is too preoccupied processing information that I can't get a hold of, I can't maintain a structure and the only thing that allows me to hold my grip is to ensure that my environment is tidied up. I remember there was a pile of clothes, perfectly folded, on my nightstand. My gear. Ready for my race the next day. It was the only part of the room that was organised. It felt like a branch to hold on to once the flood would come. Therefore I checked that pile multiple times. I needed to make sure everything was ready for me to make my dream come true.

As I was staring at the ceiling I knew that what I didn't understand was the confusion. How could it be that I, now that I finally had the time to get everything in order, was acting so chaotic? I think I knew at the time that it actually was the excess of control that I desired that finally made me confused. That brings us to my next mistake: I focused too much on what was important to me. One thing can only be as important as the amount of importance you assign to it yourself. I feared disappointment. What happens next? Self-doubt takes over and it starts gnawing at you. Yet, here I am today, laying on the sheets of a different bed, but with the same feeling eating me alive.

I fear myself. I'm afraid of how I will react once I disappoint myself. That is one thing that hasn't changed so far, whether it was one year ago today or on this exact date. Here I am, one year later, laying on my bed the way I did a year ago with the same breeze entering through my window and a similar nausea that reminds me of how much I hunger to succeed. No one ever told me what to do and if someone did I certainly didn't listen. I do what I do because I know that I'm even better at it when I'm fed by my dreams and occasionally the right amount of anger. I do what I do because I dare to do it and yet that courage was the only piece of the puzzle that was missing.

While heavily breathing I counted every second and desperately tried to grasp the time to prevent that the time would come that I needed to go and make my dream come true before I was ready for it. I wished I were more courageous. I hoped that the next day I would find the courage to fight for what I came for. Plunged in thought I asked myself if this was something everyone experienced now and then. Or was this only the result of the fear I developed towards myself?

My first sentence stated: One year ago I was on the verge of making my dream come true. Instead, it should have been: One year ago I forgot that my dream already came true. Because there I laid, browsing through a library of unconventional thoughts, being preoccupied by arranging them without realising that I needed to think less and enjoy more. One thing I would like to tell myself one year ago, is that I should take delight in what I had achieved so far and not fear what was coming. The future is uncertain, but no crystal ball only predicts negativity and failure.

I can't tell my younger self that anymore, but the person I am today also still needs to understand this lesson. Still, my situation is entirely different, right? 2020 has been a year to forget and yet one to remember. And even though I know I've grown, I forget what I had to overcome. For every hurdle in my life I needed courage in order to tackle it. For every mountain in front of my I needed bravery to start the climb and pick myself up each time I fell. It would be more fruitful to remember I pushed boundaries than to remind myself of all the times I lacked courage. Why should I remember the times I performed beneath my potential when the only reason for that was because I was too scared to be at my best? Maybe I needed to remind myself to be proud of what I had to overcome, of my achievements and most of all of being able to make my dream come true. Too often I forget that in my battle I get to discover sides of me that would otherwise remain undiscovered.

It was time for me to become a dream catcher.

- reflection on European Championships, Boras (SWE), 2019